WE HAVE SOME EXCITING NEWS!

Oh hey you lovely lot! Sorry it's been a bit slow to post on here and hopefully this will explain a lot of the radio silence, but if you haven't already seen our exciting news over on Instagram and Facebook, we are becoming a family of FOUR! Yes in January we are expecting our rainbow baby!

We have been blown away by all your wonderful messages, comments and kind wishes sent our way over on social media and just want to say a huge thank you for all the love you've shown us!

As some of you may know this has been an extremely long journey for us and we are already so so thankful to have such a beautiful, kind, sweet and loving son who is waaaay to cute for his own good. As I've only touched upon our story briefly on here, I thought this would be a good opportunity to document it all in one space and share my thoughts on it so far...  erm you might want to make a cuppa and get comfy ...

This pregnancy is a total miracle, a true Rainbow baby! After three miscarriages (four babies) and a full year of investigations by a fertility specialist, we were given the numbing results that we had less than 5% chance of having another child. My ovaries were shutting up shop also known as Premature Ovarian Failure. 

In all honestly I was traumatised after loosing our first pregnancy at 15 weeks to Parvovirus (also known as Slapped Cheek) and it took a long time for the fog to lift, so when we suffered our second miscarriage and then third miscarriage I felt broken. We were advised to try IVF as our only route and to make a decision quickly due to my faltering hormones. So we talked and talked and cried and talked some more before booking in the treatment. However we were advised that even using ICSI our odds were still way below 20% and at almost £7000 a go we knew we would only have one shot at growing our family.

Now let's rewind back to early May, after spending a weekend with all my family and being particularly agitated and somewhat obsessed with lemon meringue pie, my mam tentatively suggested I do a pregnancy test. Annoyed at the suggestion due to our treatment starting the next day, I eventually agreed as my mam was convinced something was amiss and imagine our shock to see those two pink lines staring up at us! It felt like a miracle, cue tears, laughter, fear and more tears.

Since then the NHS have been nothing short of amazing, due to the pregnancy being high risk we have had scans every two weeks, given all sorts of drugs to help support the pregnancy and they have been at the end of the phone for every anxious moment or worrysome pain. Our consultant said she wasn't sure how this had happened but was thrilled, our councellor cried at the news and for the first part of of the pregnancy I remained in full denial, terrified that each scan would bring bad news.

As the weeks have progressed, my tummy has blossomed and is now hard to hide! So I have finally come to the conclusion that this is actually happening and I'm trying to enjoy it inbetween the nasuea, headaches and extreme fatigue that are still plaguing me at 15 weeks.

We have opted to find out the sex of our new arrival so we have plenty of time to find a meaningful name and make sure F is comfortable and excited about becoming a big Brother. We are so thankful and excited for this little precious person growing and hopefully joining us Jan, until then we are trying to stay postive and enjoy this crazy ride!

Once again thanks so much for all your kind words and support and I just want to send love out to all those who are struggling in their own journey right now.

xx

CELEBRATE INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY

Today is International Women's Day, a day where we celebrate the social, economic, cultural and political achievement of women. A day where we say well done for all you've achieved for us. Woman kind. 

So here's a little poem I jotted down to celebrate everything you are and to say let's be proud of ourselves, in every which way we come, we are amazing *nothing like a little self love on a Tuesday* ;) I am constantly bowled over by the amazing strong and talented women I meet every day, who I talk to, who I see struggle and carry on anyway. So this is dedicated to all you amazing women doing it your way. 

To all the movers, the makers, the hustlers, the shakers, 

To those who shout loud, who stand strong, and when needed those who quietly move on, 

To those who build empires, move mountains, push boundaries, 

raise babies, make memories and refuse to take no for an answer. 

You are the ladies paving the way for a new generation who are ready to play. 

Stand tall and stand proud for all that you are, 

Not what media says you should be or could be, 

but the you that is here, standing now and amazing.

You are a Woman.

Happy International Women's Day 

AND THEN YOU WERE FIVE

I had all intentions of posting this at the weekend, to celebrate you turning the big five! In fact I did sit down to write something several times but my emotions got the better of me. So I switched off and enjoyed the moment, being in the weekend with my you, eating cake, opening presents, surrounded by all the family, running around in Transformers outfits – yep me included – at your party and generally doing whatever I could to make your day special.

But I didn't want to let it slip by without reflecting on what this day means to me, to us.

Yep I officially have a five year old, FIVE! I'm sure I said the same when you turned four and there's no doubt I'll greet each year with same bewildered smile as weeks and months blend into years...and yet I'm not quite ready, in fact I don't think I've ever been ready for any of this, but somehow you've always known that and that's OK.

When you first entered the world not crying as expected but silent, wriggling under my gown blinking up at me I panicked. This small new person loving me, calm in my arms knowing I was safe even though I was scared. I asked for you to be taken off me, to be handed over to your daddy, and still you stayed calm. No tears, just quiet and seemingly patience, waiting for me to catch up to you.

Over the years you have remained that way. My beautiful boy, so calm and kind, you have been patient with me and loving, always loving. In times where I have been swallowed by grief from babies lost, struggled under dark clouds, where tempers have frayed and I have felt lost, you have been a beacon of light in stormy waters. You have shown such kindness and love, with whispered words that could melt a thousand hearts. When I felt like I was not enough, you hugged me closer and when I thought I was about to break inside you made me smile, and no doubt as I teach you all I know and help pave your way in life, you will undoubtedly teach me more than I could ever imagine.

...and now you are five, starting school, navigating your own little life and I could not be more proud of you. My little love, my boy.

LET'S CELEBRATE WOMEN WITH #ARWOMAN

As a woman and a mother I think it's so important that we have each others backs, help support and celebrate each other and give strength to us girls. Girl power! – I feel a Spice Girls song coming on – but in all seriousness we give ourselves such a hard time as women and we can be so critical of ourselves: Fit enough? working enough? working too much? being a good mum? pretty enough? thin enough? funny enough?.... Well enough is enough.

When fashion brand Atterley Road got in touch asking me to be involved in their new campaign #ARWOMAN to get women openly celebrating women, I was straight there with a big YES! There are so many women who I'm inspired by on a daily basis such as artist Frida Khalo with her amazing talent, spirit and strength of character, Jane Birkin with her style and humanitarian work and the pure talent of Vivian Maier. Or perhaps friends from university who have carved out a career like Fashion Stylist Poppy Kain or the wonderful photographer Esther Teichmann, my blogging ladies such as Fritha and Lottie, entreupreneurs behind Babyccino Kids and the lovely Leia behind Diapers and Milk, my IG girl across the pond Madelon... as you can see the list goes on...

There is one woman who stands above the rest, towers above even. My mam – and no that's not an auto correct, that's my geordie roots coming through – the woman who from the age of 23 raised her baby with no manual, but sheer determination and ferocious love, and in my eyes rocked a pretty good look. No matter what has been thrown her way, what challenges have presented themselves, through illness and happy times, she has powered through. If there is any one person who can teach me strength of character, love, and to never give up, then it comes from the woman who gave me life.

So here's to celebrating my inspirational woman. Here's to my mum Dawn.

If you would like to join in just post a picture of the woman who inspires you on Instagram, tagging @AtterleyRoad and using #ARWOMAN and nominate some Instagram friends to do the same.

*Note to mum: Sorry I know you're not keen on this pic but I love that you look like an absolute rebel! xx

MY PINK VALENTINE

When stepping into February it’s hard not to think about love filling the air, cheeky cupid flying around with his quiver full of love shaped arrows, ready to send the likes of you and me into a dreamy state of affairs. So what better time to get my colour love on then a month full of sweethearts and roses, and this month I’m thinking of a pink valentine.

I’m not a girly girl by nature, but I’m loving this pearlised Pink Parker from Laura Ashley, mixed with black skinnies, silver brogues and a wide brimmed hat or polka dot skirt and black wedge boots, this parka is making all sorts of fashion sense, plus the colour is so on trend. I love the detailing on this jacket with the rolled up button back cuff, lined with a light grey teamed with the pink making it the perfect pair. 

What other perfect pinks would be on my list for the month of love? 

1. Pink Macaroons with hug and kisses. Use pink macaroons and DIY with gold food paint.
2. How about a coffee a good old fashioned love note? Love this idea from Oh Happy Day.
3. If you're dreaming of romantic weekend away but the purse don't stretch then cuddle up under this blanket.
4. Get some love for you walls with affordable art from Lumitrix.
5. Fill the room with heart shaped balloons or just give then out to strangers and spread the love.
6. How about a good old fashion mix tape CD, playlist? you get the idea.
7. Explore your city and take valentine selfies/melfies with this cute polaroid camera ;)
8. Declare your love with these temporary tattoos.
9. Love yourself and keep stylish with this pink parker. 

This month the idea of love is thrown around like confetti, and the heart flutters on receiving its very own valentine in the post, email, snap chat?…or whatever method secret confessions of admiration are delivered these days – a sign I’m getting old! So however you decide to spend Valentines I hope your day is full of love. x

MY SWEET OCTOBER BOY

Every time this month rolls around and the smell of autumn catches in the air, my heart swells and a lump forms in my throat at the bitter sweet notion of time passing. There is no greater measurer of seconds gone than your babe in arms, once so small that it took only my hands to fully embrace the length of my child, now I find endless limbs and deep belly laughs as I swing my arm to catch his embrace.

This month you will be four. A whole four years old and I shall kiss your button nose, and ruffle your lion mane and treasure your hand in mine, as you will age and these moments will fade, and I will be left with these memories of my sweet october boy.

PARIS IS ALWAY A GOOD IDEA

Me on a bench under the Eiffel Tower circa '06. 

Oh Paris, the city of love and lights. It's no secret that I'm a fan of this vibrant place filled with croissants, coffee, romance, art, architecture, fashion, oh how I could go on.  In my teens I was allured by the silky smooth sounds of Francois Hardy floating from my stereo, and I would daydream of romances yet to come while film's such as Le Mepris, Before Sunrise and Amelie would further cement my love for this city and it's culture.

I first visited Paris in 2006 when my husband/then boyfriend surprised me with a week of romance at a luxury boutique hotel nestled in heart of Le Marais. We walked, talked, ate fresh pastries and went out dancing into the early hours and it was everything it was supposed to be. My love for Paris was sealed. So with it being the week of hearts and flowers, and having passed my love of this city onto F, who grins when he see's a picture of the Eiffel Tower, what better way to celebrate a week of love then in the place that invented it. After what feels like a long grey January I've decided to put my New Year's resolution into action by packing up our things and heading on a trip across the channel. We've booked ourselves a cosy bolthole in Le Marais with F in tow, and for one week I will stroll along the cafe lined streets, soak up the atmosphere and pretend I'm French, for Paris is always a good idea.

Look out Parisian inspired posts this week and take a peek at my Paris Pinterest board for inspiration.

THE MONTH OF LOVE

Image via Pinterest

Ah February! The month of love, where thoughts turn to hearts and flowers, soppy songs are churned out on the radio for those looking for love/embracing love/suffering heartbreak, or a silent reminder to those still looking to keep up the good work. It can be time to stop and take stock of what's important in life, embrace the important people and appreciate all the types of love that surrounds you, while the commercial world cranks it up a notch in the hopes of cashing in on the heart.

I've let myself relax into the new year, there were no diets, no dry month, no over committing myself. My plan was to ease myself in to 2014 without any pressure, to concentrate on just having fun, and now that February is here I'm raring to go. I have fitness and health on my mind, getting organised, travel plans, and business stuff to get on with – all fitting around this growing boy of mine.

For those who don't know me I'm a total hearts and flowers girl, living life through rose tinted glasses and I always get sucked in by the industry's push for love. So I'm sure there will be some Valentine craft ideas coming up this month on the blog.

Here's to a dreamy month!

AND THEN YOU WERE THREE

I wonder where this time has gone, as I sneak into your room at 1.32am and take a snapshot of you peacefully sleeping, capturing the time you entered the world every year. As the minute hand pushes forward you are changed from the two year old to a whole world of three. It doesn't seem that long ago that I was handed this small warm pink wriggling creature, your eye's blinking against the light, checking out your new surroundings.

Today you woke with gusto as usual and shouted for me to come into your room and play – and I'm glad we made it to the other side of 6am this morning unlike yesterday – you squealed in delight as you ran into a room of presents and balloons that decorated our small lounge, and my heart aches as you grow up just that little bit more.

No longer can I really remember all the little things you did as a baby, I thought I'd remember them but you don't, as sleep deprivation and life in general gets in the way. For now I want to remember these things about you:

• Every night without fail you will reach your hand up to my face as I read you a story or sing you to sleep, and gently play with my eyelashes. You've done this every since you could control your hand and this habit remains.
• You pronounce burgers as burglars, which always gets a giggle out of us.
• You have a favourite freckle on your finger and you get upset if it gets covered by pen as you think it's gone.
• You charge £50 when selling anything in your shop no matter what it is.
• You won't let either of us leave the house without a cuddle or a family cuddle.
• You're becoming a bit of a pro on the drums and I can see the budding musician in you.
• Whenever you get super excited you grit your teeth and shake your fists.
• You're slightly obsessed with dinosaurs.

You may now be growing into a strong minded little boy but in my eyes you will always be my baby, and I thank you for these precious three years.

Love from your doting mama xx

THANK YOU

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I just wanted to write a quick post to say a big thank you to everyone for all of your kind words and thoughts sent my way during the last few weeks. I have heard from new friends and old, family,  bloggers, other mamas who have faced similar events, lost school friends, strangers and old flames all extending their hand out to me when I faced a dark place. Each moment of kindness has lifted my spirit and focused my mind. It has brought a smile to my face and touched my heart. Your words have cost nothing but are priceless. Not to get too mushy but I am feeling positive moving forward and some of that is because of you.

So thank you x

ALWAYS...

Image source 

A GOOD BOOK // The Storm Whale

 

Every now and then I yearn for a glimpse of the sea and the ever changing tide. I often wonder if F will have the same longing as me, even though he hasn't been brought up exploring the sandy coastline for simple treasures as I was. I hope to bring the beach to him with this good book.

The Storm Whale had me from the moment I lifted it off the shelf. This gentle tale of friendship and love, follows a boy called Noi – wearing the best balaclava – as he finds a small whale washed up on the shore after a stormy night. An instant friendship is formed, and the lonely boy rescues him from the sand and takes him home to his bathtub. The stunning illustrations captures the tenderness of the boy and atmosphere of the sea beautifully. Such lovely detail can be found in Benji Davies drawings: from Noi's whale paintings to the bunting flapping wildly against house. My favourite page shows father and son rowing out to sea, the boys small face as he looks down at his only friend about to be released back to the sea.

A heartwarming and magical story for any child, or adult who might want to be by the sea.

SHARING THE LOVE OF KID PRESIDENT

For all those who keep going...

HELL YEAH IT'S THE WEEKEND

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It's Friday and the weekend is looking amazing. I'll be back blogging on Tuesday after having fun at the festival, until then you can follow my Instagram feed for some snap shots of End of the Road. Have a beautiful fun filled weekend and see you on the other side x

WHO SAID ROMANCE WAS DEAD

Image Source Pinterest

What are you up to this weekend? I am ecstatic to finally see the much anticipated Before Midnight by the talented Richard Linklater. I'm a total sucker for hearts and flowers: those magical whirlwind nights that ever so slightly alters your path forever, stars shining, soft whispers, tactile touches, flushed cheeks, nervous giggles, I'll take the lot. 

A romance spanning 18 years, Before Sunrise made me weak at the knees, Before Sunset made my heart sing and weep simultaneously, so who knows what effect will take hold with the latest film in the 'Before' Series. 

This scene gets me every time.

FOR FATHER'S DAY

I know the ups and downs of motherhood as I stumble through it every waking hour, but I can not know what it feels like to be a dad. Such a different relationship, yet the same. As I feel at the centre of my journey with F, completely intertwined; from peeing on a stick, fighting off the nausea, stomach swelling, those first kicks and movements deep within, the waves of contractions, surrendering to pain beyond measure, his first need of milk as he latches hungrily on. It seems I am the centre of his world, and then there is daddy.

No less fierce in his love for him, I wonder if he feels somehow stranded on the peripheral. As I have been home with F since he entered the world, I imagine how it must feel to constantly walk in and out of the day to day.

In this role of daddy he nurtures and guides this small boy, he plays and laughs when he's exhausted, he  holds his hand when needed and relinquishes it readily when he calls for me, he is strong when I can not be, he is calm and controlled when I start to lose the plot.

He is silently there, ready incase he should fall. This man who has become a father.

An early Happy Father's day to you. x

PARK LIFE

A long week has certainly been made sweeter with the blazing rays of summer shining down on us. Sometimes I take for granted this time I have with F, and it's all too easy through the fog of tiredness to be short tempered and to forget what it is he is doing. 

He is growing and fast. 

As we hang out at the park most people are replying to office emails or engaged in work meetings, ploughing through those eight hours before they get to head home. He laughs as I wriggle my toes in the sand and I am reminded that I have the best job in the world. 

This time that stretches before me is in fact short and not endless as some days feel. It will be all too soon before he is heading off to school where he will spend the majority of his time with friends and teachers and I will return to the real world of work. So for now I will watch him play, laugh, fall and hold his hand and be thankful for this park life.