I'm sorry for the radio silence over on this little blog of mine, I was hoping to tell you some exciting news and that I've been super busy with fun projects – which is partly true – but unfortunately there's another reason why no words have been posted... we've been saying another goodbye.
The last two months have been a roller coaster of emotions. After coming to terms that a second child would be unlikely after already suffering two miscarriages in the past and not being sure whether I could put myself though it again, out of nowhere I found myself staring at two pinks lines. To be honest I was in shock, it was totally unplanned and unexpected and seemed to come along just as I had decided that one child was enough for me.
I think it took a week for it all to sink in. This was happening. It was actually happening and F would have a sibling, and I would have another babe in arms.
After some pains I know oh so well at five and a half weeks, I thought it had all been a bit short lived and an appointment was made for a scan at six weeks. I went to the clinic in tears, knowing what to expect, feeling awful for putting my body through this again, only to be surprised with the news that I had been carrying twins and had miscarried as I had thought, but only one. There was still one baby, it's heart beating away, holding in there.
Awash with new hope as my tummy grew and further scans showed the pregnancy progressing well, naively I relaxed a little. I was feeling exhausted but well in myself, and started to let my mind wander a little to the December due date, although slightly laced with doubt, not fully wanting to let myself indulge in these happy thoughts.
At the beginning of this week I was given the news that my baby's heart had stopped. Another silent miscarriage. Once again I was being wheeled into surgery, staring at magnolia walls and cups of NHS tea. I didn't feel like crying, to be honest I didn't feel anything, just numb or perhaps going through the motions. Only as they were administering the anaesthetic did the tears start to well up and fall, and I felt someone take my hand until I went under.
Now I'm back at home, resting with my empty belly. Still feeling very up and down but throwing myself into work for a bit of distraction and letting the tears come and go. It helps to write and share it, I know how isolating a miscarriage can be, how sad and destructive it can become. For me it's easier to be open, to let all these emotions wash over me and there are so many. It's hard to keep track of my head at he moment but I can feel the weight of my heavy heart.
After loosing baby Alex at 15 weeks due to Parvovirus and my second miscarriage, it seems there is no rhyme or reason to it all, just bad luck. Three miscarriages in a row. And so it's back to daily life and I know I'll be OK, it just might take a little bit of time. It's hard being a mama.