THE DREADED D WORD // LIFE LATELY

This wasn't the post I had planned for today, in fact things have been so crazy busy behind the scenes that I'm facing a mountain of work and feel like I'm wading through treacle. But I'm trying to stay positive and upbeat, ploughing ahead with the work/life balance – and failing slightly  – while trying to stay healthy and be all things to all people.

Except one person is needing me more than most at the moment, my kiddo. It's so easy to get wrapped up in all the busy *and roll on the mama guilt* that you forget to stop once and awhile and take stock of a situation, and there's been one slowly brewing which I didn't foresee. I'm talking about the D-word...yes, death.

F by nature is a sensitive boy, and quite emotionally mature and intune with the world around him. So I knew something has been off for the last few weeks as we've fluxuated between various axieties such as fearing he'll choke on his food, being worried about using the toilet, about missing either me or Paul when one of us is not with him and even some tears at pre-school. Finally last night it clicked into place.

Behind those big beautiful brown eyes, his mind has been going into overdrive and as I sat trying to get some work done I heard him call out for me. His little frantic voice shouting from his room. On rushing in I was met with his fear, "I don't want to die mummy, don't let me die". Oof there's something I wasn't expecting. As an adult we can rationalise these things, we understand the concept of death and the meaning of the word, all the while hoping for a long life. But to a small four year old boy, this realisation suddenly seems terrifying.

Don't put me under the grass. oof. Don't leave me on my own. oof. If I die will you have another baby and call it F and forget about me. oof. Each one is a blow to the stomach as I hold his little hands in mine and stroke his furrowed brow. Composing myself I try to answer all his questions calmy, each  considered and loaded with reassurance as he works himself into a frenzy. "Mummy please don't let me die and be gone forever, I dont want to go mummy please" tears are now falling rapidly, his little face looks so terrified and his hands are grasping me so tight that I dare not breathe incase it gives away my poker face.

I know these questions are part of growing up, his mind trying to understand the world, and that in a few hours/days/weeks all this will be forgotten, but right now in this moment I can see the world from his eyes, how big and daunting it must seem. Even though he had asked about death a while back the idea that it will happen to him has taken his mind to a whole new level. So I do what mamas do best, squeeze him with all my love, cover him in kisses and sing him to sleep, only to then frantically search online the best way to ride out this tiny storm.

If there was ever a need for a parenting manual, now would be great time to pass the book around.

32/52

"A portrait of my son, once a week, every week, in 2014."

F: tiger tiger.

Just as some weeks are quiet and slip by unnoticed, these last seven days have been long and hectic, with events punctuating the days and distorting time. Looking back over all my captured moments it's hard to choose one image to sum up the week. We have been in Bristol and London, I have been juggling work deadlines and childcare, family time and me time, as well as some steps to overcome my flight phobia. So this corner of the internet has taken a back seat while we've embraced the day to day. To make up for the silence I have some exciting posts this week, including: DIY Pom Pom Garland tutorial, weekend adventures, Kids Fashion and more Festival fun. 

The one constant theme of the last seven days is F's wild side, at the moment I'm finding my feet as he challenges me in the day to day. The normally chilled child is becoming very assertive in his own right and navigating this phase is trickier than I imagined, reminding me that motherhood is one big learning curve. 

Linking in with Jodi's The 52 Project 

23/52

"A portrait of my son, once a week, every week, in 2014."

F: A day of simple pleasures as he runs happily in the sun, his only concern a melting ice-lolly.

Those who are regular readers of this blog will have noticed my absence from it over the last few weeks, it has not been from a lack of wanting to write and share but more of an inability to clear my mind and straighten my thoughts. So as deadlines come and go, I am taking time to be kind to myself and take positive steps, while feeling grateful for this boy and his deep belly laughs.

Linking in with Jodi

FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY?

Image source

So way back in January you might remember that I coined 2014 as the year of 'DO'. No more hesitation, no more crap, no more holding myself back. The plan was to be more spontaneous, more adventurous and more fun. Well the fun is going to plan and as you know there was that trip to Paris right? Except that's where it falters, all those jet setter plans seemed to have been grounded due to a sudden huge helping of fear. As it turns out, despite the thousands of air miles I've clocked up in my life, I'm suddenly quite petrified of flying.

There were some red flags raised along the way, hell they were waving and screaming, what with the unprovoked freak out on the Roue de Paris and complete break down on the Fleet Air Field Museum flight simulator. You can see where this is going right? You've guessed it, all those exciting adventures are now being put off or pushed back due my fear of flying, so much so that I'm carrying round prescribed diazepam just on the off chance I am kidnapped and taken on board a flying metal machine.

So knowing this is all totally ridiculous and the chances of being killed in an airline disastor is 11 million to 1 – yes I googled it – I'm hoping that my mind is the type that responds well to the power of persuasion, hypnotherapy, acupuncture or any of the other numerous things I'm willing to try to gain my wings soon.

So with a holiday coming up in a few weeks, do I wait until I have a better grasp of this or do I feel the fear and do it anyway?

DAYS LIKE THESE

Image via I Wish I Was A Dinosaur

Do you have days like these? You know the one's I mean right? Where everything is a bit AAAARrrR.  It seems to be a running theme of late, if it's not been one thing it's another. So the first thing to have dropped off my radar has been this little corner of the internet, slightly neglected and unloved. Rather than write negative posts and throwing myself a good old pity party, I have chosen to revel in the action alone off screen...and before you think 'oh here it is, pity party ahoy!' this is not my intention, instead it is more a celebration of strength in the face of adversity.

In the last three years I have had my fair share of bad luck in terms of my mental and physical health, and just when I thought 'that's it right? Enough's enough', it seems there is always a bit more crap to wade through. But that is life, and it is not what hand you are dealt, but how you deal with it that counts.

So even when pushed to my limit, I am proud to still find my inner strength alive and kicking, keeping me going, that fire in my belly. For all the negative things I can say about myself, the one thing I can't deny is this:

I AM STRONG

So you might be thinking well this all sound a bit mental and perhaps even what on earth is going on? but in truth it is just life that is happening, with all the ups and downs it brings, and no matter how I deal with the bumps in the road, I know I will deal with them and I will be fine...

because we all have days like these.

LIFE LATELY

Image via Pinterest

It's been a bit quiet in this little corner of the internet as we play catch up at home and deal with life stuff. All the rushing and stressing has made me realise some good old fashioned down time is in order, time to step away, take a deep breath and let it all go. So next week I'm booking in a spa day, a trip to London and some child free me time.

WHEN ONE IS NOT ENOUGH

My mind keeps drifting back to that long day which ended with a new babe in my arms. A small pink squirming life, eyes like dark pools blinking up at me against the harsh strip lighting overhead. I recall how this new person was thrusted up under the hospital nightgown, ready to nestle against my breasts and hear the familiar heartbeat that had had kept him company for those nine months.

I have always wanted a large family, a house filled with loudness and laughter, chaos and love. Excuse the rose tinted glasses for that's all I have. In the first year of F's life I was so immersed with this new being that I could not think of sharing my love with another, but in the back of my mind I was quietly confident that soon a sibling would join us and those childhood ideals of mine would come to fruition. As some of you might remember I have touched upon the subject of loss, a tiny snapshot of grief. As these years have blurred by my confidence in conceiving has dwindled. Two babes gone in two years.  Each time I move forward, and as F grows I am able to claw more of myself back, not tied to those hourly night feeds or baby attached at the hip. I flex the small amount of independence gained with this ageing boy, the solo weekends away, nights out with friends, the ability to stay up late and to go work.

I swing between the want of more children and the new found freedom I have, like a pendulum in a clock. Back and forth, ever changing. Each month I wonder if I'm fooling myself either way, whether I know what I actually want. Then I'll have a grizzly day, where F won't eat the food I spent lovingly preparing, my patience runs thin with the constant repeating myself or a tantrum is thrown in for good measure. In that split second I forget how precious a gift he is and I mentally wish away the years.

Then all it takes is one moment caught off guard, siblings playing, a film, others happy news. In that moment the tears flow and I know that one is not enough.

COMFORT AND A MOTHER'S LOVE

Image via Pinterest

Urgh. So I'm officially on day three of being ill, not the best way to start the new month but F's super virus seems to have floored me. After having sniffles and a sore throat on monday, I went through shivers, chills and a fever before calling in the big guns to help. Yep, I called my mum. Just as F had been reaching out to me for comfort and love, having me mop his brow during his fever, I realised how much I needed mine.

So yesterday at crazy o'clock in the morning, I feebly reached for the phone and being the super mum she is, she arrived with her arms full of healthy soups and treats to make me well again. I wonder whether my boy will reach for the phone in the same way? Would he ever need that motherly comfort in adulthood? It's funny to think how my role will change as he grows into a man, and I wonder whether I'll ever be ready for it.

After spending most of yesterday in bed while F and nanny hung out, I'm now feeling significantly better. Not well but hopefully not far off, as I have a date night planned courtesy of the husband and a weekend away with friends in London. As the house has been stocked up with fresh fruit, juices, lentils, vegetables and herbal drinks, me and F are planning on chilling at home, eating well and staying cosy.

WHEN BAD HABITS GO BAD

Image via Coffee Moments

Its time for me to face up to the fact that I'm addicted. Yes, caffeine is my drug of choice. Initially, I used that one aromatic cup a day as something to look forward to, a treat half way through my waking hours. A well done to me for surviving the daily challenge of keeping my kid alive.

In those early weeks of motherhood I hardly got to sip this golden nectar without it being reheated in the microwave at least seven times, before accepting defeat to the small purple screaming face watching on. Then I discovered the cafe culture that's quickly adopted by new mamas. A break away from the four walls of home, the sympathetic ear of another mum looking just as bad as you. I found it easier to enjoy my coffee – although still speedily drank – at least there were other people to hold your kid or entertain him. Damn, if I was lucky then the walk over would send him into a deep slumber.

Then F grew older and new challenges arrived, between the age of 11 months and 30 months old we had sleep issues, or the lack of sleep to be exact. This wasn't constant, but it was enough to keep you on edge and so I turned to coffee for a different reason, in the hopes it would give me a boost. Those afternoon coffee breaks with friends turned into 9am pick me ups, a double shot single latte downed in one.

I hadn't realised exactly how much coffee I had been drinking until the weekend. It was a glorious sun filled winters day and we had decided to take F out on his bike at Ashton Court. Imagine my relief to discover the little coffee hut beside the car park, it was my first port of call. So while F patiently circled me I waited in the longest queue ever for that quick cup of joe. Feeling happier, we walked in the sun as I quickly finished my coffee and immediately I felt like I needed more. Then I remembered that this had happened during the week and I had ended up ordering two, both drank one after the other. Alarm bells should have ringing right there.

Today I woke up with a headache. I didn't feel particularly tired but still it was there. We headed out and I had my first coffee of the day. I felt myself relax, my shoulders drop and my headache lift, but a few hours later I became irritable, my headache had returned and I felt a strange tiredness set in. It seems that these short years of motherhood have created a caffeine monster and now the withdrawal symptoms are kicking in hard and fast. I am facing the reality that I need to cut back, right back.

I can start tomorrow right?

GOODBYE 2013

Image via Pinterest 

It's the last day of 2013 and to be honest I'm ready to say goodbye to it. This year has been a tough one, with more downs then ups. Looking back over the last 365 days I know I didn't make enough of my time, I coasted along with no real direction while feeling cast under dark clouds. I didn't love or laugh enough. So with a new year comes a new start, a blank page, one I'm excited to write on.

I'm quite superstitious when it comes to New Years Eve, I believe your mindset and the people you carry in your hearts as the clock strikes twelve is the driving force for the year. This is good thing as it encourages me to surround myself with fun, laughter and people I love, and I always contact absent friends at midnight to let them know there in my thoughts and therefore keeping them connected for the year ahead. Some of my friends think this is nuts but I'm a hopeless romantic with a love for cosmic signs, fate, karma and serendipitous moments. It's also a time for reflection and looking back on the year, to understand what you want going forward, how best to use your time, who you want to spend time with.

So what are your plans for tonight? This year my folks have offered to stay over at our house so we can go out with friends, dance, drink and generally have fun while F is tucked up in bed. This will be followed by fresh air and a family breakfast if our heads aren't too bad.

So to all you lovely people, whether you're tucked up at home or out partying on the dance floor, have a great night, stay happy, stay safe and have fun. 2014 is a whole new adventure where anything is possible.

THANKFUL FOR FRIDAY

Image via here

I've been a bit absent on the blog this week. All those exciting Christmas posts I'd planned have fallen to the wayside as I've struggled through the last few days. Not to get into everything right now, but my ability to cope with the day to day has been challenging to say the least, so I'm thankful for Friday. I'm doing what I do best, forging forward, maintaing a festive spirit and planning in some fun activities. All while trying lift my head out of this fog.

This weekend we'll be: Getting merry with friends at their festive Christmas party / Celebrating my dearest Dad's birthday / Meeting Santa on a steamtrain – F couldn't be more excited / Going on a winter walk through the woods / Watching The Hobbit at the cinema / Wrapping presents by the warm glow of the twinkly tree lights / Making a happy hamper for a friend / Listening to music and drinking sherry.

Have a great weekend x

JUST TAKE A MOMENT

Image via Pinterest

Even though it's only mid-week, it's been full on with no signs of slowing down and my 'to do' list is ever expanding. What with birthdays, trips up north, blogging, mothering, postal runs, worrying,  freelancing, a leaving party (my friend is emigrating to Melbourne *sniff sniff*), and that's just the tip of the iceberg, I feel a bit overwhelmed.

Normally I would get stressed and this would be no fun for those living in my house, but instead I have decided to stop. I know I can't stop the day to day, as there are some responsibilities that are constant and it will all crash down around my head, but I can stop for moments. So I will stand still, take a minute to centre myself, zone out if I have to, say no to demands that I would normally say yes to, and just stand still.

In that calm moment I will take a breath and recharge myself. I will gather my strength, my thoughts and put a foot forward, taking small steps. I feel the blog has been neglected this weeks but sometimes you need to take a step back in order to see the whole picture.

So this afternoon will be spent making lists and rearranging dates. If you feel like it's all getting too much then take just take a moment.

THE UPS AND DOWNS OF QUESTION TIME

        Image via Pinterest

Time presses on and so we have entered the world of three. It's great isn't it, this little person with their own thoughts and ideas, their personality blossoming every day. Seeing the world through their eyes, passionately curious about everything that we stop seeing in adulthood and that we take for granted in the day to day. Sometimes there is nothing I love more than sneaking in a coffee date with my little guy,  conversation pretty much flowing. Ok so it might not be about world politics or debating the latest must see film, but it's enjoyable all the same and I love that he wants to learn. Why? What? When? How? seems to be the beginning of every sentence these days. Sometimes I feel proud by the type of questions he's asking me, that some of my random knowledge is being rapidly absorbed by this boy following me.

But then there are times when it grates. I sigh internally, when I have to repeat the same answer for the thirteenth time because the first twelve identical answers I give don't seem to be sufficient. Or perhaps F chooses the perfect time to ask "what are you talking about mummy" on repeat, as my dentist attempts for the fourth time to check my teeth without being interrupted by my 'just wait a minute sweetie', or 'why not read a book' or 'I'm just talking to the dentist lovely'.

Before I had F, there would be times that I would see a mama in a shop looking agitated, toddler in tow asking – what I thought to be very endearing questions – and the answer would be returned in a sharp bark of a voice. There in that moment I would judge this woman, thinking bad of her for speaking that way to her kid. Well last week I was that woman, locked in a battle of tactical warfare and losing. After not much sleep and with stuff on my mind, I rushed from aisle to aisle attempting a supermarket sweep.

Hungry, tired and in desperate need of caffeine as I tried to mentally calculate the cost of all of the items   lining my basket. I was faced with a torrent of questions, all bombarding me without pause, each one jading my ability to think clearly. I snapped at F mid sentence "If you could just be quiet for one minute so I can think!" and there it was. As I raised my head and pushed my mop of frazzled hair out of my face I saw the look. That fleeting disapproving look cast in her eyes from the woman standing not so far from me and I crumbled. Embarrassed, she scuttled off as I pulled myself together and headed for the tills while lathering F in attention to push the guilt away.

So next time you see that crazy frazzled mama, agitated with child in tow, try not to judge. It's great being a good parent, but it's impossible to be a perfect one.

A WEEKEND IN THE BIG CITY

Image A Good Book

YAY it's Friday and what a long week. You know, the type of week where you wake to find you've left the freezer door open and you're welcomed by a wall of ice, and as you can't get to the plug because you can't move the fridge you're left hacking at the ice with a knife as the freezer goes into overdrive, and your toddler dances behind you in the big pool of water starting to cover the kitchen floor, only for you to realise you've forgotten to book the online food shopping and now there's nothing to eat, and with that lapse of concentration you cut all your knuckle on the stupid freezer which you now hate and to top it off it's a solo parenting week because the husband's away with work...*breathe* yes, that kind of week.

So I'm really looking forward to a fun filled family weekend as we head over to London town to meet our new niece and take F on a on a whistle stop tour of some famous sites:

We'll be re-enacting a page from this good book at St Paul's Cathedral.
Checking out the dinosaurs at this amazing museum.
We'll catch a glass lift up to the dizzying heights of this London Restaurant.
I'll be hoping to catch this exhibition before it ends.
Take a whirl on the London Eye.
Hanging out in leafy Ealing with family

Have a great weekend x

THANK YOU

Image Source 

I just wanted to write a quick post to say a big thank you to everyone for all of your kind words and thoughts sent my way during the last few weeks. I have heard from new friends and old, family,  bloggers, other mamas who have faced similar events, lost school friends, strangers and old flames all extending their hand out to me when I faced a dark place. Each moment of kindness has lifted my spirit and focused my mind. It has brought a smile to my face and touched my heart. Your words have cost nothing but are priceless. Not to get too mushy but I am feeling positive moving forward and some of that is because of you.

So thank you x

TAKING SOME TIME

You may have noticed a few weeks ago this post which spoke of hardships endured. Once again I have been silent on the blog as my small family has struggled through the last few weeks with heavy hearts and a fighting spirit. After loosing Alex mid-pregnancy last year it left me shellshocked and heartbroken. I struggled for what felt like an age to grasp a sense of myself again as life carried on around me. F was my driving force, if I couldn't be OK for me then I would do it for him. Pulling myself together with the help of friends, family and counselling, I faked a smile until it came back naturally with time and carried on. I never quit my dream of a large family, house bursting with energy and noise and the idea of those cosy winter nights all together. So we tried again.

For fourteen months nothing happened – maybe this was how long my body needed to heal – until last month. I pee'd on a stick and saw those two beautiful lines. I was pregnant. Finally. Our little flat once again filled with excitement and optimism. I was so confident that this time would see me with a babe in arms and I happily gave up on my love affair with coffee and focused on my belly. But for some that is not the way life unfolds and nature can be cruel.

After a week of pain, I was admitted to hospital for a potential ectopic pregnancy which after three days was ruled out. But something was amiss. The doctors told me to hang in there and be positive but it was clear within a few weeks that I had suffered a silent miscarriage. A silent heartbreak.

With no sign of my body doing its job, I underwent surgery to have everything removed and sent home empty. As I sat sipping my beloved coffee once more, people chatting around me, I wonder if they can feel this weight upon me. I lift my cup and take a sip. Autopilot engaged once more.

I will pick myself up, dust myself off and be OK. These things just take time.

TO THE WOODS WE GO

Due to the last few weeks events I've been lying low and taking it easy. So on Sunday we rolled out of bed, wrapped up and decided to head to the woods. There's nothing more magical and reinvigorating than romping round the woods, cosy warm with coffees in hand. Autumn is by far my favourite season; the air is full of change and as sleepy summer is slowly shrugged off, colours burst from the trees. The days are crisp, cool and sunny, the fashion is better with chunky knits and ankle boots, and the excitement of –dare I say it – Christmas is oh so near. As the nights draw in, it signals the celebration of my boy's arrival to this world and how far I have come as a mama and a person.

We left the woods with smiles on our faces and an unpleasant hitchhiker A.K.A a tick *shudders*.  So here are a few fuzzy iPhone pics of low lighting, leaves and F's favourite sticks.

SHARING THE LOVE OF KID PRESIDENT

For all those who keep going...

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS

Sometimes life gives you lemons, sometimes it throws you a curve ball, but every now and again you find yourself in the middle of a shit storm. Think creek, no paddle and you're getting the picture. The last few days have been overwhelming/unbearable – I'm hoping to be able to write about it soon, when I've managed to get my head round it all. Once again I've been stretched to my limit. Not breaking but oh so close. This has to be the end to my run of bad luck. Enough is enough.

It can only get better right?



Image Oh So Pretty

A LITTLE LESS CRAZY

Hello again. You might have noticed that I simply dropped off the blogosphere last week without a typed goodbye or see you soon, and to be honest I felt a bit guilty. I've come to look at this blog as a place of reflection, a place to share my thoughts, to feel creative, a diary of sorts and I felt that I had let myself down by stepping away. But after a long month full of: tiredness, change, heartache, sickness, arguments, tantrums, deadlines, demands – of everything and nothing – I finally crashed and burned. So I decided to unplug and take some much needed head space.

Feeling a little less crazy and a lot more energised, I feel a change is in the air. A change for good. Nothing momentous but a shift in perception. So for now here is a snap shot of my lost week.