A LITTLE LESS CRAZY

Hello again. You might have noticed that I simply dropped off the blogosphere last week without a typed goodbye or see you soon, and to be honest I felt a bit guilty. I've come to look at this blog as a place of reflection, a place to share my thoughts, to feel creative, a diary of sorts and I felt that I had let myself down by stepping away. But after a long month full of: tiredness, change, heartache, sickness, arguments, tantrums, deadlines, demands – of everything and nothing – I finally crashed and burned. So I decided to unplug and take some much needed head space.

Feeling a little less crazy and a lot more energised, I feel a change is in the air. A change for good. Nothing momentous but a shift in perception. So for now here is a snap shot of my lost week.

AND THEN IT WAS AUGUST

Image source Mother

August. Already.

When did that happen? Time seems to be disappearing, moving too quickly. F is rapidly approaching three and then there is pre-school. Yesterday as I battled town, dashing from shop to shop while F sat patiently for all five minutes before demanding freedom from his pushchair, I searched for the items needed for F's pre-school uniform – yes that's right, UNIFORM.

Yet while I am getting my boy ready for his next big step, I seem to have neglected myself. Am I ready? He still seems so small. I'm suddenly panicked at the moments I won't have with him, and although I always wish for my own time, it seems that time is something that no-one has. It passes whether we like it or not, whether we are ready or turn a blind eye. And just like that he'll be in school/university/traveling/married. He will have left the nest. Ok maybe I am being a bit crazy but looking back at these almost three years, and it feels like the blink of an eye. It is hard to remember all the little details I thought I would, and hell, I never imagined myself at 33 but here I am.

We arrived home disheveled and F tried on his uniform. A huge lump settled in my throat and I made a decision there and then that the husband will come with me to drop F off at pre-school, because I think I'll need someone to hold my hand.

AND THEN THERE WAS PRE-SCHOOL

It seems this child of mine has been bounding effortlessly into a big boy world this last few weeks. No more nappies, seemingly dropping day time naps (although I am going to persist with this one) and then there was Pre-School.

After several months of skirting around the subject of child care, visiting an inordinate amount of nurseries and my total denial that the day would come for me to handle over my bundle, we finally made a decision. And even with forms filled in and money exchanged to secure his place in September, I lay restless at night turning to twitter to voice my anxieties. 

So it came to my complete surprise yesterday when we arrived at said pre-school to find that I was not - as I had thought - staying with him for a few hours to play, but in fact leaving him there for a two hour taster session. When I say surprise you'll find I mean shock, fear, trepidation, nausea, guilt and complete heartbreak at seeing his eyes well up when he realised that I was leaving him behind. 

Like a horse out of that starting gate I bolted, in the knowledge that any second longer my plastered smile would falter and all would be betrayed. I sat with new friends and old, sipping coffee, chatting, clock watching, waiting until I could go and collect my boy. I rushed through the door and saw him calmly sitting with a book. He clocked me instantly with those big brown eyes, relief flooding through his face, very quickly followed by tears. I scooped him up and all was well. 

After keeping schtum for most of the day about his taste of independence, he finally gave me the low down whilst sitting on the potty. 

"First I was sad and I cried. 

Then I was happy and I played with boats on water.

I painted a picture of mummy. 

There were dinosaurs in the sandbox.

Mummy there were lots of pictures on the wall. 

I saw my friends.

I did a wee in my trousers, the teacher wore gloves. That was strange.

I can go back on my own."

I smile and listen intently, asking questions about his day. Oh my baby where did you go.

PARK LIFE

A long week has certainly been made sweeter with the blazing rays of summer shining down on us. Sometimes I take for granted this time I have with F, and it's all too easy through the fog of tiredness to be short tempered and to forget what it is he is doing. 

He is growing and fast. 

As we hang out at the park most people are replying to office emails or engaged in work meetings, ploughing through those eight hours before they get to head home. He laughs as I wriggle my toes in the sand and I am reminded that I have the best job in the world. 

This time that stretches before me is in fact short and not endless as some days feel. It will be all too soon before he is heading off to school where he will spend the majority of his time with friends and teachers and I will return to the real world of work. So for now I will watch him play, laugh, fall and hold his hand and be thankful for this park life.