23 September 2013

TAKING SOME TIME





You may have noticed a few weeks ago this post which spoke of hardships endured. Once again I have been silent on the blog as my small family has struggled through the last few weeks with heavy hearts and a fighting spirit. After loosing Alex mid-pregnancy last year it left me shellshocked and heartbroken. I struggled for what felt like an age to grasp a sense of myself again as life carried on around me. F was my driving force, if I couldn't be OK for me then I would do it for him. Pulling myself together with the help of friends, family and counselling, I faked a smile until it came back naturally with time and carried on. I never quit my dream of a large family, house bursting with energy and noise and the idea of those cosy winter nights all together. So we tried again.

For fourteen months nothing happened – maybe this was how long my body needed to heal – until last month. I pee'd on a stick and saw those two beautiful lines. I was pregnant. Finally. Our little flat once again filled with excitement and optimism. I was so confident that this time would see me with a babe in arms and I happily gave up on my love affair with coffee and focused on my belly. But for some that is not the way life unfolds and nature can be cruel.

After a week of pain, I was admitted to hospital for a potential ectopic pregnancy which after three days was ruled out. But something was amiss. The doctors told me to hang in there and be positive but it was clear within a few weeks that I had suffered a silent miscarriage. A silent heartbreak.

With no sign of my body doing its job, I underwent surgery to have everything removed and sent home empty. As I sat sipping my beloved coffee once more, people chatting around me, I wonder if they can feel this weight upon me. I lift my cup and take a sip. Autopilot engaged once more.

I will pick myself up, dust myself off and be OK. These things just take time.


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11 comments

  1. Sending you love xxx drink soon?

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  2. oh my gosh I'm so so sorry, Wilf was my third pregnancy and I know how hard it is to have a m/c I don't know the details of course but I really hope you are ok and have support around you, it sounds like you do. If you ever want to chat don't hesitate to email me. Take your time and take it easy xxx

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  3. Been thinking about you loads petal. Let me know when you're ready to meet up, we could hang out xxx

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    1. Hey, still taking it easy this week but would love to hang out soon! I'll pm you xx you can always come up this end and i'll provide the pastries :) xx

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  4. I am sorry you are facing another one of lifes difficult waiting periods. Having gone through a miscarriage just this week, I understand your pain.

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    1. Thanks for your kind words. I hope you feel full of light again soon, be kind to yourself x

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  5. Hi Lori-this just broke my heart reading this. I'm so very sorry you had to endure this loss. I'm sure only time will lessen the pain. Very sorry.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, it always hard to go through such a sad life event. Feeling for the future though x

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