This wasn't the post I had planned for today, in fact things have been so crazy busy behind the scenes that I'm facing a mountain of work and feel like I'm wading through treacle. But I'm trying to stay positive and upbeat, ploughing ahead with the work/life balance – and failing slightly – while trying to stay healthy and be all things to all people.
Except one person is needing me more than most at the moment, my kiddo. It's so easy to get wrapped up in all the busy *and roll on the mama guilt* that you forget to stop once and awhile and take stock of a situation, and there's been one slowly brewing which I didn't foresee. I'm talking about the D-word...yes, death.
F by nature is a sensitive boy, and quite emotionally mature and intune with the world around him. So I knew something has been off for the last few weeks as we've fluxuated between various axieties such as fearing he'll choke on his food, being worried about using the toilet, about missing either me or Paul when one of us is not with him and even some tears at pre-school. Finally last night it clicked into place.
Behind those big beautiful brown eyes, his mind has been going into overdrive and as I sat trying to get some work done I heard him call out for me. His little frantic voice shouting from his room. On rushing in I was met with his fear, "I don't want to die mummy, don't let me die". Oof there's something I wasn't expecting. As an adult we can rationalise these things, we understand the concept of death and the meaning of the word, all the while hoping for a long life. But to a small four year old boy, this realisation suddenly seems terrifying.
Don't put me under the grass. oof. Don't leave me on my own. oof. If I die will you have another baby and call it F and forget about me. oof. Each one is a blow to the stomach as I hold his little hands in mine and stroke his furrowed brow. Composing myself I try to answer all his questions calmy, each considered and loaded with reassurance as he works himself into a frenzy. "Mummy please don't let me die and be gone forever, I dont want to go mummy please" tears are now falling rapidly, his little face looks so terrified and his hands are grasping me so tight that I dare not breathe incase it gives away my poker face.
I know these questions are part of growing up, his mind trying to understand the world, and that in a few hours/days/weeks all this will be forgotten, but right now in this moment I can see the world from his eyes, how big and daunting it must seem. Even though he had asked about death a while back the idea that it will happen to him has taken his mind to a whole new level. So I do what mamas do best, squeeze him with all my love, cover him in kisses and sing him to sleep, only to then frantically search online the best way to ride out this tiny storm.
If there was ever a need for a parenting manual, now would be great time to pass the book around.
Ah, poor F :( what a huge thing to feel scared of. Poor little guy. I have no idea how I would handle the situation, what a difficult thing to try and tackle. xx
ReplyDeleteOh god it's so hard isn't it? We've had the same thing with my oldest who went through a real stage of this, starting with not wanting people to get older and then moving on to not wanting to die. The trouble is it's hard to be reassurring when you know that ultimately that's the way we're all (hopefully in a long, long time) heading. How hard is that poker face though?? the number of times I've wanted to cry too whilst trying to make reassurring mutterings.... Growing up is hard.
ReplyDeleteOh Lori, it is SO hard! My eldest (four years old) is a worrier and we've had all these questions too. I blogged about it (Living with an Anxious Child) a while ago and there were some fantastic comments that you might find useful. As a worrier myself, I can relate to it and I think the only thing you can really do is keep talking to your boy and let him know you'll always be there to listen. I know talking about a worry (often over and over and over again) until she makes sense of it helps my little girl. x
ReplyDeleteOh bless him Lori, this must be so hard. Mads knows about dying, in terms of she says 'he died' when talking about Simba's dad on the Lion King, or occasionally she was say things when we are playing pretend play, like 'spiderman killed him' or something, but I don't think she knows of the concept of death, and hasn't asked. She doesn't have a clue what it truly means. I have no advice but I hope that poor little F feels a bit happier soon- I am dreading this happening. x
ReplyDeleteAwe my heart would be breaking if that was me. All you can do is make him feel safe and secure and give him a big hug, as well as answer his questions as best you can.
ReplyDeleteIt's horrible when they start asking these sort of questions and really hard to know how to answer. They do all wonder about these things though and you just have to be as honest as possible.
ReplyDeleteI think that this is part of growing up and childhood. It is hard as a parent to deal with, but we can make it a lot easier for them. One of the way I dealt with it was to ask the boys to think back to how they felt before they were born. Both said they couldn't remember, so I asked did they feel sad? Again they said they couldn't remember, so I said I think that we feel like that when we die. We also found that worry dolls helped too. Just listen and support. All will be well
ReplyDeleteOh no, I have no idea how you deal with this issues like this, I struggle on my own to think about them x
ReplyDeleteIt's a tough one. I always try and show my children that death is not something to be afraid of, it is after all something that happens to all of us. It's so hard to explain when they are so young though. Lots and lots of cuddles and reassurance help xx
ReplyDeleteI had tears reading this. You know the inevitability of life, but how do you explain that to a child? I just say that you have to grow really very old before.
ReplyDeleteOh bless him - we seem to be having these conversations too which have been brought on by the Easter topic at school
ReplyDeleteBless him x so hard to explain to a child x
ReplyDeletei also have a very sensitive daughter like this, we cant even watch charlottes web or bambi or any childs cartoon in case of the D scene, she gets s emotional but i suppose we all have to go through it its a case of how
ReplyDeleteOh bless him! My boy is coming up 4 too so I know just how you feel. They have so many questions! I'm sure I'll have a similar situation soon myself xx
ReplyDeleteOh that must have been hard for you, I am sure with lots of cuddles and reassurance your little boy will be less scared and worried.
ReplyDeleteOh poor little chap and poor you trying to comfort him when even the thought of it must break your heart too. It can be so hard to find the right words to reassure them on this sort of topic cant it - the fine line between total truth and not freaking them out too much! I am sure just talking to you and being held close made it all feel better.
ReplyDeleteMy goodness, what depth your boy has. Incredibly hard to explain. We're Christians and believe in the afterlife but I still find it a struggle. Though Talitha asks about death quite regularly, I dread the day she asks questions, really understanding what death means. There is a beautiful children's book called No Matter What that you might like. It's all about how love lives on, long after we're gone. This is a beautifully expressed post.
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