14 May 2015

SAYING ANOTHER GOODBYE


I'm sorry for the radio silence over on this little blog of mine, I was hoping to tell you some exciting news and that I've been super busy with fun projects – which is partly true – but unfortunately there's another reason why no words have been posted... we've been saying another goodbye.

The last two months have been a roller coaster of emotions. After coming to terms that a second child would be unlikely after already suffering two miscarriages in the past and not being sure whether I could put myself though it again, out of nowhere I found myself staring at two pinks lines. To be honest I was in shock, it was totally unplanned and unexpected and seemed to come along just as I had decided that one child was enough for me.

I think it took a week for it all to sink in. This was happening. It was actually happening and F would have a sibling, and I would have another babe in arms.

After some pains I know oh so well at five and a half weeks, I thought it had all been a bit short lived and an appointment was made for a scan at six weeks. I went to the clinic in tears, knowing what to expect, feeling awful for putting my body through this again, only to be surprised with the news that I had been carrying twins and had miscarried as I had thought, but only one. There was still one baby, it's heart beating away, holding in there.

Awash with new hope as my tummy grew and further scans showed the pregnancy progressing well, naively I relaxed a little. I was feeling exhausted but well in myself, and started to let my mind wander a little to the December due date, although slightly laced with doubt, not fully wanting to let myself indulge in these happy thoughts.

At the beginning of this week I was given the news that my baby's heart had stopped. Another silent miscarriage. Once again I was being wheeled into surgery, staring at magnolia walls and cups of NHS tea. I didn't feel like crying, to be honest I didn't feel anything, just numb or perhaps going through the motions. Only as they were administering the anaesthetic did the tears start to well up and fall, and I felt someone take my hand until I went under.

Now I'm back at home, resting with my empty belly. Still feeling very up and down but throwing myself into work for a bit of distraction and letting the tears come and go. It helps to write and share it, I know how isolating a miscarriage can be, how sad and destructive it can become. For me it's easier to be open, to let all these emotions wash over me and there are so many. It's hard to keep track of my head at he moment but I can feel the weight of my heavy heart.

After loosing baby Alex at 15 weeks due to Parvovirus and my second miscarriage, it seems there is no rhyme or reason to it all, just bad luck. Three miscarriages in a row. And so it's back to daily life and I know I'll be OK, it just might take a little bit of time. It's hard being a mama.




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30 comments

  1. I don't have any words to make you feel better but just know that we are here for you and sending you all the love and warm hugs in the world xxxx

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  2. Oh Lori, its so heartbreaking to read all this, but I totally agree that its good to get it out and write it down, it definitely helped me. You should definitely be kind on yourself and take all the time you need. Sending all my love to you and your family xx

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  3. Oh Lori I am so sorry for all of you, just heartbreaking to read. Sending you all the love in the world xxxxxxx

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  4. Oh I'm so sorry, nothing I can say will make it easier but I do know the pain of a miscarriage. Much love.

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  5. Lovely Lori, I am sat in tears reading this. Sending you all my love, so heartbreaking. xxxxxxxxxxx

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  6. So sorry to hear of all you have been through in the past few weeks and the past. Sending you lots of love. I wish we could do more to help you. Lots of love, Claire xxx

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  7. My heart is aching for you. Just here to say you've been heard.

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  8. Oh no I am so so sad to read this, sorry to hear you are having such a terrible time and you are doing the right thing taking it easy for a while. Let the tears come, and writing will help. Sending love x

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  9. Oh Lori... I read this with tears in my eyes. How sad. I can relate to a fraction of your pain - I had two early miscarriages - but I can't think of anything to say to make you feel better. But, like your other readers, I'm sending you lots of love. xxx

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  10. Oh Lori, I don't know what to say apart from that I'm so so sorry to hear this. Life just seems to be so unfair sometimes. I'm thinking of you. x

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  11. Sending love and hugs! I am so sorry!

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  12. Oh my love. I'm so so sorry x

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  13. Sending much love Lori..so very sad xxx

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  14. Sending lots of hugs, thinking of you x

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  15. I'm so so sorry Lori, I've been thinking of you lots this week. Sending all my love xxx

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  16. Your post is beautifully written, as always, and I'm so sorry that you are going through this Lori. Xxx

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  17. Thinking of you lots Lori. This is a beautiful but heartbreaking post. Sending lots of love xxx

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  18. Oh Lori, I don't have the right words, but I am thinking of you, and I am so sorry that you are going through this again xx

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  19. I'm really sorry Lori. Sending love and hugs Xxx

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  20. So so sorry to hear this, thinking of you all. x

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  21. Hi Lori, I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you, I am so sad for you are going through this again, I can't even imagine the sadness. Hope you are being looked after & taking it easy Xx

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  22. Oh Lori, I am sending huge virtual hugs to you and what a difficult time for you. I am so sad for your losses and can't imagine how hard it must be to have so many in a row and twins no less. Bless you. I know my words cannot heal you but take time your followers will all be here when you are ready to come back and your friends are here if you need anything at all. NO one wants to hear these things happen but its not always the end of your journey darling I know many in my family that have had six or seven miscarriages before another baby came along. Just to give you faith and hope. Each one will be with you in spirit always darling. My sincerest sympathy to you darling and your family and huge hugs. Brave of you to share your story so those around you can understand and support you. Here if you need anything! :)

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  23. Hi Lori, so sorry, I can't imagine how sad you must be and you are brave to write about it so candidly, I know many mamas will really appreciate your sharing:) x

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  24. I'm thinking of you Lori. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you and your family. It must've been a brave decision to share your loss, but I'm sure your beautiful, heartfelt words will be a real comfort to anyone in the same situation xx

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  25. Just read this, I am so, so sorry, I hope you have lots of support around you xx

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  26. I am so so sorry, such a heartbreaking post xx

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  27. I am so very sorry. Really feel for you and hope you get lots of support xx

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  28. :( Just read this Lori...it's beautifully written and just so sad. Hoping you're ok and sending lots of love xxx

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