20 September 2017

THAT TIME I CRIED IN JOHN LEWIS

postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, postnatal depression, anxiety in pregnancy, PND, second trimester

Now don't get me wrong, I do love a good shop at John Lewis and it's not my go-to place to shed a tear but that's what happened this weekend. After getting the kiddo kitted out with new P.E/ football/money pit trainers I saw out the corner of my eye all the cute little tiny baby grows. Cue my coohs and ahhs as I went over to take a peek, after selecting the cutest little knitted newborn leggings, my eyes wandered onto pushchairs, then cots, breast pumps, car seats, night lights... and as Paul started to immerse himself in the world of baby. I froze.

Suddenly an overwhelming feeling of sadness, grief and pure panic took hold and right there in the middle of the Sunday bustle of John Lewis and I cried. Yep not the sniff quiet dab of the eye way, but more streaming where people are staring at you in 'I wonder whats happened?' kind of way'.

I quickly stared at the tiny cotton knit leggings, which now in my head, I'm blaming the whole scenario on, and trying not to hyperventilate we leave to get some food for Felix and fresh air for me. Now I'm not the sort of person who gets teary looking at baby stuff I certainly didn't when the kiddo came along, so I couldn't quite figure out what just happened but I know I was feeling terrible.

That evening I managed to give myself some space to gather my thoughts and I realised there was a lot more going on than potential baby purchases.

If you read this blog you'll know this pregnancy has been a miracle, but with it there has been LOTS of tests, hospital visits, consultations, medication, alongside the usual physical symptoms I was rocking until recently. The fear of having postnatal depression this time round seems to be pushing to the surface and suddenly the excitement of belly kicks is being replaced by the anxiety of what happens when she arrives. Will I feel OK? Will I want to hold her? Will I feel like I'm drowning? I'm hoping not, I'm in a good place this time round so it should be fine right? But there's always the chance that it might and it's starting to feel like a weight on my chest.

postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, postnatal depression, anxiety in pregnancy, PND, second trimester

I'm having so much care from the NHS, I'm consultant led with this pregnancy, there are steps in place for protected sleep, psychological care, even meds and a cescarian if needed. All of which are great and I'm hoping I won't need any of it but I think a little slow down time might be needed.

I'm ploughing ahead, trying to tick off lists, busying myself and not giving time to let go of the grief of the other babies who aren't here, who's tiny clothes I bought then had to pack away. Or to just let myself relax and enjoy this pregnancy, in some ways it still feels I'm in my own little world of denial. Perhaps I need to make time for myself to feel special in this particular journey. In essence though I'm struggling to fogive myself for what happened almost seven years ago when Felix was born.

Anyways I did't really intend to write this down and I wasn't really sure whether I would post it as it's more personal than you're used to. Plus I'm very aware of not wanting to switch into ALL things baby related on the blog but sometimes writing it down and acknowledging the things you fear and the challenges you have can be quite cathartic and create a little head space so thanks for indulging me in my thoughts.

Did you ever suffer from PND? What helped you? I'd love to hear your thoughts.


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10 comments

  1. I didn't suffer PND, but I did have lots of miscarriages and I think it does rob you of those excited baby feelings forever. I had pre natal depression. Yoga helped and taking time to just feel the feelings and then focussing on the small stuff. Everyone was excited around me and I just didn't feel and that's ok. You've been through so much, I think you're feeling are quite natural. x

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    1. Thanks for sharing your story, I definitely think the last few years have taken their toll. Time for some radical self care i think. x

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  2. Be kind to yourself mumma. You've been through a hellava lot and life is about to change dramatically again. You'll have so much love in your heart from both of them but be sure to ask for help, be sure to take time out and don't strive for perfection - you will always be enough even if you feel like you're falling apart (and I do often!). Notice the little things, don't sweat the small stuff and slow down but most of all be kind to yourself. Xxxxx

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    1. Thanks lovely! Honestly don't know how you do it but definitely going to try and take this journey slowly and make sure I can get some help when need it xx

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  3. I had severe PND and I’m terrified it would affect me again. So much so I don’t want to even have another child. But I know deep down it wouldn’t be the same. I wouldn’t be as lonely, scared I was doing everything wrong, etc. And hopefully I would be better equipped with support and medication. A traumatic birth also did not help. Maybe that would not happen again. I know things is not much support, but just to let you know you’re not alone, in these thoughts. It’s nice to know you’re not the only one who has ever felt this way, which PDN can fool you into thinking! Good luck - I’m sure you’ll be fine no matter what. Xx

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  4. Oh Lori. Such an overwhelming and emotional times for you. Sending so much love beauty xxx

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    1. Thank you it's certainly a rollercoster of emotions x

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  5. Big hugs you brave, beautiful woman xx
    Rohini x

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  6. Oh bless you it really is a rollercoaster of emotions especially with everything you have been through. Don't worry we have all had our public outburst of tears we can relate and others I am sure can relate in your situation too. You are brave and stronger than you think. You got this lady! So proud of you. Such a beautifully written honest post. Sending love and hugs.

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