THE PROBLEM WITH PRESCHOOL

So for anyone who is a regular reader of this blog you might know that we have been battling with preschool for nearly a year. Start again stop again, tears, tantrums and full on seperation anxiety have been the overbearing factors when talking about preschool. As many of F's peers have breezed through the whole experience we've had four taster sessions each without success and each leaving a trail of destruction in our little boy's eyes.



I naively thought after our initial attempt of leaving him way back in the beginning of 2013, we had cracked it. I sighed with relief at his dry eyes, unaware I was being lulled into a false sense of security, and oblivious of the fallout heading our way. Soon afterwards the sleepless nights started, with F constantly clinging to my leg and freaking out if I leaved the room. He's not ready I exclaimed and promptly pulled him out, pushing back his placement another term hoping this would be the answer. But the anxiety of being away from me didn't end and we struggled through six week of this gorgeous boy turning into a quiet and anxious kid. I felt guilty that I had somehow broken my child, damaging his trust in me. Thankfully he came out the other end of this phase and six months on I hoped he would be ready to try again.

I could not have been more wrong. After trying another taster morning at our chosen preschool, the fall out was greater, lasted longer and was more severe. Not only would he not leave my sight but he was struggling to even stay with those closest to him. My parents would get upset when he would cry at the idea off being left with them, and once or twice he even refused Paul. The night terrors started and we would be up three or four times a night, his appetite diminished and my soothing words could not reach him.

Frantic at what to do I even enlisted the help of the Health Visitors who arranged a home visit to see if they could spot what was triggering his distress. They came and he chatted happily, playing pirates in the house and as I walked them to the door they reassured he was fine, a very bright child who was happy. Then they asked me a question about any traumas he might have suffered when younger, or any sudden change to his routine. The penny dropped, of course! At the end of 2012 I had suffered a significant haemorrhage at home due to retained placenta from my late miscarriage. Looking back it seems ridiculous that I missed this cue, in my eyes he seemed too young to understand what had happened and I thought it would have been soon forgotten.

During the haemorrhage I had been home alone with F who had just turned two, after collapsing through loss of blood I managed to call 999 who immediately dispatched an ambulance and the police. A bit dramatic, but as I was in charge of a minor it seems this is protocol. As I lay on the floor being hooked up to IV's and given gas and air, my poor boy was lying across me wailing. So it seems that the anxiety of being left at preschool was not in fact the school, but a fear that something would happen to me when out of his sight. This tiny person was anxious that he couldn't protect me, his protector, his mama from harm and he was using all his might to stay by my side. Oh how I wish I had seen this sooner and a new guilt set in as I realised how easily a child can be affected by external events.

Armed with this knowledge we started afresh and a whole new game plan was put into play, we worked on leaving him with loved ones and stretching out the length of time away, we set up a leaving routine saying the same words to reassure him, we changed preschools in hopes that fresh faces and a new environment would be a calming influence, and we held our breath and waited.

After four weeks of reassurance, kisses and the patience during his settling in period, I dropped him off at the door where F squeezed me and didn't look back. I waved, all the while wanting to whoop and cry simultaneously, a huge mama triumph under my belt and a massive learning curve achieved.

It took us a while but we got there, once step at a time.

You can read about our other preschool moments here and here.