25 February 2014

WHEN ONE IS NOT ENOUGH



My mind keeps drifting back to that long day which ended with a new babe in my arms. A small pink squirming life, eyes like dark pools blinking up at me against the harsh strip lighting overhead. I recall how this new person was thrusted up under the hospital nightgown, ready to nestle against my breasts and hear the familiar heartbeat that had had kept him company for those nine months.

I have always wanted a large family, a house filled with loudness and laughter, chaos and love. Excuse the rose tinted glasses for that's all I have. In the first year of F's life I was so immersed with this new being that I could not think of sharing my love with another, but in the back of my mind I was quietly confident that soon a sibling would join us and those childhood ideals of mine would come to fruition. As some of you might remember I have touched upon the subject of loss, a tiny snapshot of grief. As these years have blurred by my confidence in conceiving has dwindled. Two babes gone in two years.  Each time I move forward, and as F grows I am able to claw more of myself back, not tied to those hourly night feeds or baby attached at the hip. I flex the small amount of independence gained with this ageing boy, the solo weekends away, nights out with friends, the ability to stay up late and to go work.

I swing between the want of more children and the new found freedom I have, like a pendulum in a clock. Back and forth, ever changing. Each month I wonder if I'm fooling myself either way, whether I know what I actually want. Then I'll have a grizzly day, where F won't eat the food I spent lovingly preparing, my patience runs thin with the constant repeating myself or a tantrum is thrown in for good measure. In that split second I forget how precious a gift he is and I mentally wish away the years.

Then all it takes is one moment caught off guard, siblings playing, a film, others happy news. In that moment the tears flow and I know that one is not enough.


SHARE:

75 comments

  1. Awww, girl its when I read posts like this that I wish I could give out hugs instead of a comment of words on a screen. I have not experienced loss like that but I do understand the need of wanting more. As well as that feeling as time passes with going back and forth with the pros and cons of adding to the family. I so want to have one more child and to have a girl. Right now we have two boys and my youngest is nearly seven. It occupies my thoughts more than most things these days. That and the love I have for what I am blessed with right now. I know we have different experiences but I did want to share a little and say that I hope it all works out for you and that wonderful things will come your way in 2014. x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your sweet words, it is such a hard one. I am desperate for another baby but when the time comes I use the not wanting to give things up to mask the disappointment of a negative test. i think I'm going to try and stay positive to get back on track. I hope you get the girl you want. x

      Delete
  2. Oh I can feel this natural urge having a fight with brain rationing. I wanted a houseful, I dreamed of living The Waltons life, big table, lots of laughter. sadly my body decided otherwise, after a few losses, I am blessed with the twins I have thanks to Professor Winston, so I never complain. That yearning still played with me and I have just had to have acceptance. I would have had lots of babies and same as you after a tough day, wished the time away.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so sorry for your loses but happy for your twins. what a blessing! I think I need to take more action so that I am not leaving everything to chance. I'm not sure what I would do, if they told me I could only have one . x

      Delete
  3. I too wish I could give you a hug! I totally know what you mean about going back and forth about the pros and cons, I never used to have a job I loved so it was easy for me to quit my old job after maternity leave. Now I love building my business and I think 'ooh when Wilf get free hours maybe I could think of opening a real bricks and mortar shop, or when he stats school etc etc..' and then I think 'oh but when would have another baby??' I often feel like not trying for another is being mean somehow for Wilf but there is 5 years between me and all my siblings (5 of us!) and we still got on so..maybe we will try for the same..if we are lucky enough. xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks lovely. I hope you guys are lucky enough to have more of you want them. I see this creeping age gap and it secretly breaks my heart. I think if I knew I could have one, i would make the sacrifice. I remember seeing afilm once where the women on her death bed said "I wish I had more children, rather than more things' It seemed so profound to me, it made me want the simple life. x

      Delete
  4. I have three, and I remember this feeling well, the pleasure of gaining some independence, mixed with missing the baby years. I have big age gaps- 7 years between each baby- it took me that long to be ready! I am sorry to hear of your losses, that must be incredibly hard. xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, wow it gives me some comfort know ing you managed to conceive both times with that age gap. Thanks for sharing. x

      Delete
  5. This is such a beautifully written post, Lori. I really feel for you; it's a difficult one. I wish more people would talk about it, as I'm sure there would be so many permutations of what people have vs what people thought they always wanted. Before I had a child, I used to say I wanted six kids! But now I mourn the daughter I'll never have and have to come to terms with the fact I'm a mother of boys. I think I'm nearly over that, and I'm truly grateful for the children I do have.

    It's not a popular thing to say, but a friend with three kids once said she didn't know why they had a third. Not that she didn't love the youngest, but that 'things were much simpler with two'. It's a brave thing to acknowledge - what you've spoken of and what she said, too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks lovely. It's so true that if you speak to everyone they al have a different story to tell. I still think you might have one more in you ;) But the boys you do have are wonderful human beings and are very lucky to have such a creative lady for their mum. x

      Delete
  6. Before I had children I wanted Four I now have Two and I am done! Children are hard work and very challenging, Very well written post i really enjoyed reading this so honest xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So true, I do find F very challenging some days and it makes me wonder whether I could cope with two. Hopefully one day I will find out. x

      Delete
  7. What a beautiful post. I am sorry you have had such heartbreak. Although we were lucky in the sense I haven't had an miscarriages, it did take us nearly 4 years to get pregnant with our second child and there were a lot of times I thought it just wouldn't happen for us. I really hope you manage to have that long awaited second child although I do understand what you mean about the new found independence! x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so happy for you that you managed to conceive your second child. Loosing two is probably the hardest thing I've had to deal with. I just hope that I will be able to give F the brother or sister he keeps asking for. x

      Delete
  8. to be honest i can't really identify with this, as i don't have any children, and don't have any yearning for any, but this is such a well written and thoughtful post that i'm sure (as i can see from the comments above) that a lot of mothers identify with.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Laura, sometimes it the posts written from the heart that make the most impact on other I think. x

      Delete
  9. I am so sorry to hear of your losses, that must be/have been very hard. If it helps at all we waited 6 years between our two and I couldn't be happier at having done it this way, I really feel we have the best of both worlds. Good luck with whatever you decide to do/whatever comes next x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for sharing this, it's great to hear what age gaps other people have. I think i've found it hard as I have been so focused on what I thought was the acceptable age gap, and seeing that slip by has been hard. x

      Delete
  10. Gosh! I have about three draft posts on this subject... you've summed it up very well here in only a few words. Part of me really wants another baby - and we did try but now time is not on my side so I think we are sticking with two, not that I've really completely come to terms with that decision... but it's almost not a decision at all anymore, it is what it is and with two healthy children I know I should be grateful (and most of the time I am). Well done on writing a beautiful honest post. x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks lovely! and thanks you for your kind words, it's always a little harder when it's not your choice but i'm happy that you're happy with two. x

      Delete
  11. Such a beautifully written post; Ben came along very quickly, within the first month of trying, so I naively thought that the second would be exactly the same - it took us over a year to conceive Daisy, and every month that went past made me wonder if it was ever going to happen. I'm 31 now, and always wanted a tribe of children, but age and financial restrictions are against me - it doesn't stop me feeling 'the ache' though. I feel incredibly lucky to have not one but two healthy children, but there's always that tiny part of you that craves pregnancy and birth - Mother Nature and her cruel tricks. Love the honesty in this post, so beautifully written. x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks lovely, I am so pleased that you have Daisy and Ben. It is cruel that mother nature gives loads to some and not to others. I have to try and stay positive but I do feel like time is ticking and financial restraints start to come into play. x

      Delete
  12. Love and hugs to you. I posted about this on Twitter the other day and was floored by the number of people who responded saying that they too were longing for more children but not able to for myriad reasons. Sorry to hear of your losses and I hope you find a resolution x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, it's so funny how many women feel this way but don't share it other for how they might be perceived. I really hope I find a resolution too and for those who feel the same. x

      Delete
  13. Beautiful post, we only have one and I continually worry that we should have more but my back & pelvis are knackered. Not sure I could go through it again, but are we missing out. Sending virtual hugs. x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the hugs :) After three lots of surgery on my womb I do wonder whether my body can take all this trying, but for me I don't think I could give up trying. Although the longer it takes the harder it is to take that step. x

      Delete
  14. I know just what you mean. I would love to have another baby now that my two are less dependent on me, but equally I wouldn't want to detract from the lovely family vibe we've got going, with time for ourselves and each other. Good job I'm too old really.
    That photo is stunning by the way

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've heard a lot of mums not wanting to rock the boat. In fact I have one friend who id desperate for three bt doesn't want to change the vibe so is sticking with two. x

      Delete
  15. I'm sorry to hear of your losses, life can be so unfair. I have two 2.5yrs apart and I find it incredibly hard work but then I will still have moments of feeling really broody and I know in a years time I will want more but I think two is where we will stop. This is such a beautiful post xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I always thought that two years would be ideal but i'm slowly coming up to five years *breathe* fingers crossed that something happens soon. xx

      Delete
  16. Awww, I was the same and so wanted a second one. Now I have him and I found myself struggling with baby reflux and PND. Life is never perfect, try and enjoy it as it is and it will end up surprising you pleasantly!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oana I have a lot of experience with infant reflux (well, reflux full stop) and it is invariably caused by a gut allergy to dairy. Lots of practical info on my Blog http://thereciperesource.blogspot.co.uk/p/dealing-with-infant-reflux.html (wrote that for hospital distribution, checked by a gastro paed) and there are lots of links from this page you might find helpful. http://thereciperesource.blogspot.co.uk/p/allergies-intolerances-and-autoimmune.html Big hugs. $ with reflux, one had surgery, myself, brother and father suffer too. Sadly none of us outgrew ours but we have underlying stuff going on. xx

      Delete
    2. funny what life throws at you, having the second then struggling through. I sometimes get scared how I would feel if we managed another and and then there was something we struggled to cope with. I hope that Kate's reflux info helps you out. x

      Delete
  17. This is exactly what I'm going through at the moment. I saw your pic on Instagram of the hospital ward last September and it made my heart ache as I had been in that room a week earlier. I never knew how heartbreaking a miscarriage would be.
    My son is nearing 3- he was concieve in our first month of trying and I had never even thought it wouldn't happen 2nd time. It feels like everyone around me is pregnant- I'm the last of my mum friends to be pregnant. I try every day to look at positives. I tell myself if I only ever have Silas I'd be happy. It's just not 100% true. I really want to give him that bond you have with a sibling. I freak out every month when I calculate what the age gap might be. It's ever increasing and it makes me so sad, even though I try to rationalise it, its easier said then done. Our time will come (hopefully) and if not, life is pretty good with one (keep telling myself!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh gosh I'm so sorry that you had to endure that too! I totally know how you feel, I am now the last of all of my friends to have there second child and I can see them all playing , and it's hard. you're so brave, I know how hard it is to keep trying to persuade yourself that one is enough. I know that deep down it isn't and I hope every month that i'll get a positive test. Fingers crossed for both of us and that we can post pictures of the delivery suite in the future! Also Silas is one very cool name! x

      Delete
  18. I have never been unfortunate and suffered a miscarriage so my thoughts with you x

    ReplyDelete
  19. I know what you mean. We had J against all the odds. I, like you, like to think siblings will come. I do not know if they will. I am grateful for this one blessing in our lives, and the happiness that he has brought us. I can only imagine how terrible it must be to lose a baby, let alone two. Sending a big hug xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks lovely, I do really need to focus more on enjoying the boy I have to the full rather than letting my mind wander to the what ifs. x

      Delete
  20. I have exactly the same thoughts and you are certainly not alone. We have planned lots of trips and holidays that would not be possible with a baby in tow and are just going to enjoy this time. If another comes along then I will be overjoyed but I can't let the 'what might be' rule our lives any more. I hope so very much that around the next corner there is the news that you are hoping for and until then that you find peace and happiness in the freedom. Much love x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks lovely, my husband keeps reminding me to enjoy this time we have with F now and how much we can do with just the one. I think I will always be hoping for another baby but I do need to fully focus on what we have now. x

      Delete
  21. Oh massive hugs! We spend YEARS TTC, number 1 was a wonderful accident then #2 took 4 years needing Clomid and #3&4 were IVF. There were snatches of time when I wasn't sure.... that first one is so special. And now, with the younger three having so many problems our eldest does miss out a bit. So hard. And TTC is hard, but loss so much harder. xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for sharing, we haven't got down the medical route yet but I think it might be an option for us soon. It's funny what cards you get dealt. I'm sorry that you guys have a hard time with your younger babes but I am happy for you that your have such a wonderful brood. x

      Delete
  22. You are most certainly not alone. My two are 11 and 14 now so I left bottles and nappies behind a long time ago. They also have a sister in heaven. It is a loss like no other. Me and my new partner have been TTC for 2 years and are yet to be blessed - so I've been through every single emotion with regards to being a mum again, and know how it pulls you one was and then the next. I can only hope that in the end whatever happens is what is meant to be. Huge hugs for you x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bless you, I really feel for you. It's so hard to loose a child and trying after a loss is so hard emotionally, a true roller coaster. I hope you guys are successful and have the baby you want. x

      Delete
  23. What a beautiful, bittersweet post. Can totally identify to this sweetheart having an only child myself. I swing wildly from being rational, knowing how hard it was getting to where we are now and to a point we're (kind of) past the raving tantrums and my son is a pleasure to be around again. Then there's seeing other kids with their siblings in the park, in the playground, even rolling around on the floor in the supermarket fighting. It's as though he's missing out on something that I just can't give him at least for the foreseeable future and all the while he's growing older and older... You're not alone xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is what kills it for me, I was an only child and always felt like I was missing out. Now I want F to have siblings to play with and share his life with. If we find we can't have anymore tbh I don't know how i would feel, but I think it would be good to prepare myself. It's also the guilt I feel when I have a month where I want my independence then I realise I have postponed a sibling myself. x

      Delete
  24. Your post left me lost for words. I went through some, a tiny fraction of what you are going through. I embraced the freedom, every bit of it that I gained. But I feel your pain. We have two, and went through hell to get the second pregnancy and baby. I was torn for so long between the pain of trying and the wanting another baby. After our youngest was born I said never again. It is the hardest decision, if one is enough or not. There are no wrong or right answers here, just heartache. All I can do is send you hugs and tell you that you are not alone. x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks for this, it always help to know that you're aren't alone in these things. being torn between knowing you want another and choosing the freedom you have is such a hard burden to bare. I would still swap that freedom I think for more. x

      Delete
  25. A lovely written post and one I can totally understand. I yearned for another after my first and would get upset every month when it didn't happen. It took 5 years then another 2 between the second and third. I used to want 6 children before I had any, now our family is complete and thankfully the longing and wishing has gone.
    I hope that whatever happens, your family will be happy xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for sharing, it sounds like you guys really went through a lot to get your happy family, but I am glad you persevered. It nice to hear stories of other people with a large age gap with their kids and it working for them. x

      Delete
  26. So sorry to hear you've had such a tricky time. I just hope that this year it works out for you. It sounds like you're a great mum to F and whatever happens, you share a wonderful bond. I love the picture.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks lovely, that is the one thing that keeps me super happy, our bond is beautiful. he is such a loving child and I wouldn't change him for the world. x

      Delete
  27. Beautifully written. I oscillate too between wanting another and being satisfied with my beautiful Pip.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So tricky isn't it. I'm glad you have your beautiful pip. x

      Delete
  28. Oh I'm in floods of tears now :( I'm sorry for your losses. Hugs xx

    ReplyDelete
  29. I have a post like this sat in drafts.
    I've wanted another bundle of joy for years yet the mr declines. I'm at the point where into enjoy a little independence also and it leaves you torn on your decision.

    Good luck whatever you decide xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh that's so hard when it is your partner that is stopping it from happening. I hope you guys work out what is best for your family. I hope we are successful this year. x

      Delete
  30. What a beautifully written piece and I really feel for you and although I cannot fathom the pain I can empathise to a degree and I really hope that the future is bright and bold for you and a miracle will happen.

    Laura x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks lovely, fingers crossed 2014 has some bundles of joy! x

      Delete
  31. I feel exactly the same, I've always wanted a big family and loads of children... but now the boys are getting older and I'm loving them at this age (not the biggest fan of the baby stage lol), so I'm constantly going back and forth whether I truly want more or not x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's a tricky one isn't it, going back and forth. At the moment I am totally broody so we'll have to wait and see how successful we are. Fingers crossed. x

      Delete
  32. I think we all feel like this. I hope you feel better for getting this all out x

    ReplyDelete
  33. I have 6 yet I still hanker after the newborn days. We have definitely decided that we have enough and although they bicker and fight they all adore each other and I would;t have it any other way. Hope you get your wish for another xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. wow you have a super family, I could imagine that your Christmases are amazing will all that love in the house! x

      Delete
  34. I'm so sorry that you have these days that make you said. This post is so honest, we all have days that are hard and we wish them to grow older you are right though every day is so special. Thank you for sharing this personal post x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for your lovely words, I suppose it's all part and parcel of motherhood. The ups and downs, glad I have lovely ladies like you to cheer me up :) x

      Delete
  35. I wish I was able to offer some words of wisdom or at least comfort... I have none... I am sorry

    ReplyDelete
  36. I relate so much to the thought of wishing away the years and at other times wanting things to stop still to remember those early days. Please don't be disheartened, you may still be able to have more, I know the fear of loss must be so strong though. Sending positive thoughts your way, your words made me remember just how lucky I am to have two beautiful babies and for that I am very grateful.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the positive vibes! I need them.So happy for you and your babes. I'm booking into see a acupuncturist this week to see if it will help. :) x

      Delete
  37. I tried to leave a comment a few days ago but struggled with my words. This is a very difficult subject for me as we have no choice in the matter. I still just smile when people say 'Oh you can't just have one!' Really I want to punch their lights out.

    I feel your pain and hope one day soon it happens for you. x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh sweetie, bless you guys. I know I had a bloke in the pub ask me me why I would only have one when it would make him spoilt being an only child. Soon shut him up by saying well I had another two but they died. Never seen someone back track so fast. I'm trying acupuncture this week as my cycle is all out of whack again urgh! xx

      Delete

© WILD & GRIZZLY

This site uses cookies from Google to deliver its services - Click here for information.

Blogger Template Created by pipdig